Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
handjob tips. give me some.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
