I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i would punch a child for taco bell
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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