Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
