Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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