Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
