Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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