my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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