I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Pants are for mortals
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
