DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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