We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
