She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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