I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
