so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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