im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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