Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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