Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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