i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
