My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
