I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I love you.
Bad choice
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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