so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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