The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
