I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
