Jerry, you need to find god
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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