Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
