There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
