If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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