Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
