I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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