good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
