So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
