Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They took my balls.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
