is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
