I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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