He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
