my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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