need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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