someone get that fucking seahorse.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
