It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
