I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
