I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
