rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
