The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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