I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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