It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
