ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
