You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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