I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
