everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
