john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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