you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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